in 184 days
if my misery hasn't ended, or gotten less
i'll have to make my decision
end it myself, or ask for help

i guess that from someone else's point of view,
this could seem insane.
to me it's logical, though
i don't want any of this to get to me
and killing myself would be me quitting while i was ahead

Kiss me goodbye, honey, I'm going to make it out alive.

i love xanga - here i don't feel judged
and i think that's one of my biggest fears.
what do people think of me when they see me on the street?
do they think i'm fat?
can they see i'm bad?

i don't hate myself.
i think i'm awesome.
but i dont like what's taking over me
i hate that part - yet i'm not quite sure what it is
thats the part i hate; not me, but it
i want that part to go away, and that's what i'm trying to do
it's just so hard to explain what exactly it is, meh.
how can i fight an enemy i can't define?

i'm in pain, and have been for years.
there's nothing i can do about that, and i'm not sure i'd be without that experience, anyway.
i'm sure it has made me smarter than a lot of people my age.
i wouldn't want to be like them. i think they're stupid and oblivious.
i've been so far down that i can appreciate small things.
that might sound cliche, but i still think it's right.
i think a lot of people in pain can see the beauty in things other people can't see
simply 'cause we know what it's like being so far, far down you just want it all to end

the world will never take my heart

back when all this pain was new, i thought that was the way it was supposed to be
i didn't feel a thing, and i didn't care
i don't want to ever go back to that
i won't let all this misery get the best of me
tomorrow i'm making myself a promise -
by december 31th 2007, if i still feel like trash
i have to either ask for help
or end my life
its that simple.
i'm never going back to never feeling at all

the cost of misery is at an all-time high

i talked to an old classmate of mine today over msn.
then she linked me her myspace, and from her myspace i saw other of my old classmates' myspaces
they all seem so happy and carefree;
like they're living in a world far, far away from me
what do i have to do to get where they are?
this pain is so great, and yet i'm still alive
why isn't it enough to kill me?
i just want the pain to end
i'd prefer someone saving me, but dying doesn't seem totally out of the question either
so why can something feel so horrible and painful,
and still not kill me?
what have i done that is so bad to deserve this kind of overwhelming pain?

i myself am made entirely of flaws,
stitched together with good intentions

i hate being all alone
shadows...
i dont even know what to write;
what words will suffice to describe how i feel?
it probably cant even be described in words
i wish someone'd come and take all this pain away

is this it?
is this all there is to me?
is all i am someone who's depressed and miserable?
i'd like to believe i'm something more than this.
but i'm not really sure anymore.
why wont someone care enough to show me the real me?

hah, this was weird.
i've actually been feeling okay so far, and i was gonna write that here, but now i just got into a semi-argument with my younger brother who's 14 and its weird how things change fast like that. oh well!
there isn't really a lot to write, just sorta relaxing and trying to get back on track
back like a week ago or something when i started to miss the boy everything sort of went off track, and when he told me he loves his new interest, i started eating again, like a lot
so i'm just trying to get back on track slowly, 'cause that whole thing threw me off
and!
i dontk now if any of you noticed, but in my 'off limits' part it used to say 'crying over him', but i deleted that now, 'cause i dont want him to be a part of my life anymore
not even in my thoughts
he doesn't even deserve to be there
i think i'm ready to move on, yay
and i havent cried over him for days
i'm actually quite proud!

and then there's the thing about pelle.
she's one of my old classmates from before hs, and i like her a lot
but this first year of hs, i've only seen her once, and it's totally my fault
i always pretend i'm 'too busy'
and i'm afraid she thinks it's her fault, and it's not
it's because i dont want to be around people when i'm bad and fat and disgusting
and then last night/this morning i sort of wanted to tell her next time i talk to her
tell her that it's not her, and why i've been avoiding her
i even typed
'pelle, we need to talk'
in her msn, even though she was offline
but now i'm chickening out, 'cause she has no idea i think..
meh, i dont know whether i should tell her why i've been avoiding her or not